Why? (You Deserve Better)

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8, NIV) No, seriously, THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS! Is that too difficult an ask for you right now? Ok, what about this one? “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV) Now that is a truly lovely thought, right? That is real, genuine love. Does that do anything for you? …Not really? …Maybe? Ok, well then let’s start here:

“You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It’s not. It’s just garbage and it’s pain. You know what’s better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you’re wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.” Hailey James Scott, a fictional character from one of my favorite tv shows growing up said this, and it still stands true to this day. Yet often times women end up in the toxic relationships they are in because somewhere deep down in their subconscious they believe that they must accept all of the garbage and the pain to get the beautiful and poetic love. I know, sad, but very true. Why is this? Well, they say it all goes back to the traumas we experienced when we were a child, and how much our mothers or fathers did or did not show us the love we wanted, expected, or needed. Some of it is even generational trauma. Now, I could go into explaining a bunch of psychological processes, assessments, and theories about why this is, but let’s not go down that long winding road today. Let’s start with some basic questions. What characteristics made you choose the partner you did? Were there any red flags during the initial stages of your relationship? If so, why did you ignore them? If you knew you knew better, why did you betray yourself? (I know, ouch! That’s what I said when this question was initially posed to me.) What kind of love or love void were you hoping your partner would provide in your life? Could you have provided that kind of love to yourself? Could your female friends or family members have provided that kind of love, if given the chance? Were you rushing into a relationship to not be lonely? Are you currently in a relationship and still feel lonely and unloved? Why? What is the real reason behind the reason? I know some of these are tough questions to answer, trust me. I want you to really think about the answers, but we aren’t going to stay here though; because although figuring out the answers to these questions will help, the answers aren’t what I want to focus on right now. Since each person’s answer to these questions will be different, what I want you to focus on and realize is the presence of your reality. Regardless of how you got to where you are, if it’s not something you know you deserve, you don’t have to settle, to stay in the mess, or in the pain. I stayed in the mess for so long because subconsciously I didn’t think I deserved better. It was very toxic. I felt I was unworthy to receive better and be loved better. But I knew I wanted and deserved that 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, and God also showed me I deserved better. However, I also had three young children at the time (ages 7, 3, and 2) that I felt I could not safely protect and financially support on my own. I felt that if I tried to leave and make it own my own, I would fail. That was a lie. Women, you are stronger than you know! (Philippians 4:13) For God says you are capable! (Mark 10:27) You are also blessed beyond measure! (Jeremiah 17:7) So anxious and afraid, I stepped out on faith and left my marriage of 7 years. I’m so glad I did.

Now faith without works is dead. (James 2:26) So, what did I do at the time when I left? I relied on family and friends to help me. (Yes, I admitted I needed help.) Never underestimate their love and care for you! Within 2-3 months’ time, they helped me come up with a solid plan to survive the next 12-18 months on my own. What do you have right now that can help you make the first move, to step out on faith, that can sustain you for at least 6 months to a year? Are there any women and children’s programs or facilities in your area to get you on your feet? Any state aid you can qualify for?  Assistance with housing or a job? When the physical things are addressed, don’t forget about your mental state. You have to constantly feed your brain with uplifting words and encouragement, as well as re-program it for a positive, calm environment. Your brain might have been in a cycle of fight or flight mode and when you get to safety, it needs to know it can truly rest. I highly recommend a therapist. Therapy has done wondrous things for my thought life personally. Aside from therapy, I also recommend reading or audio resources. At the time, honestly, the Bible was not my number one resource. (I had a background in Christian faith from my childhood thanks to my mom, but faith was not ingrained in my marriage. So it took some time for me to get back on the path after my divorce.) I know they have all sorts of apps you can listen to and read scripture from if you don’t have a physical Bible. I would read the daily scripture or a Bible plan here and there, typically in the morning or at night, but not the actual Bible, and not everyday. Podcasts were my number one resource at the time. I really needed and wanted to know how other women were surviving a situation similar to mine. So any honest podcasts (key word being honest) on divorce, toxic relationships, healing from trauma, and co-parenting were what I was listening to daily. Those resources weren’t always easy to find, but when I did, and I could relate to it, and it really helped me. It was not easy at all. I am not here to tell you it was easy. I am here to testify that IT CAN BE DONE. Here I am three years later alive and well, grateful and amazed at what God has done for me! I am here to tell you, you CAN do it! God will sustain you if you put your trust in Him. ❤️